perfect husband essay

Perfect Husband: Stereotypical Consequences Essay

To find inspiration for your paper and overcome writer’s block
As a source of information (ensure proper referencing)
As a template for you assignment

A social role is a set of functions, a more or less clearly defined pattern of behavior that is expected from a person holding a certain status in society. Often, the role is primarily dictated by the person’s marital status and work, and many other social institutions. In fact, the function performed is the expectation of behavior typical for people of a given position in a given society. Given the variety of roles and the closeness of family life, many are guided only by their own experience, projecting their behavior, for example, with their parents. In this essay, I will discuss overcoming the stereotypical consequences of being an ideal husband.

Social roles dictated by gender stereotypes are increasingly blurred due to modern trends postulating justice and equality. Right now, you can contact many authorities, both anonymously and openly, to solve your psychological problem, even for free. When I was faced with the fact that I put too high demands on myself, I watched myself and realized that I was unhappy in the constant race to match the best image. I was not myself but fulfilled the social role of an ideal husband, which was given to me hard.

Among the stereotypes associated with this role, there are, as a rule, the degree of fulfillment of responsibilities at home, highly qualified work, and boundless love for all family members and relatives. It is pretty tricky for a person to cope with all of the above at once, especially within the framework of one day. If work and, for example, caring for a child can devastate a person physically, then the husband cannot have the strength to express his feelings mentally. The most challenging thing is to accept that such an outcome of events is average if a person does not lie to himself. Different views on this issue are imposed both by parents in childhood and by some companions who are confident in need for stereotypical thinking.

As a result, emotional burnout from constant dissatisfaction on some issues and the inability to express this dissatisfaction is possible so as not to lose the position of an ideal person. This ailment subsequently extends to physical health, which interferes with conforming to the perfect image, and in the end, the person may break down. To avoid such an outcome, you need to get rid of the need to become ideal for someone and, at least, show a fair attitude towards yourself.

Several activities are being undertaken to achieve this goal. First, gender stereotypes such as “a man must be strong,” “a man must be able to work at home,” or “a man must provide for the whole family” should be regulated at the family level, within the capabilities of each member. If the husband can provide for the whole family and does this not to the detriment of his personality, then blindly obstructing this stereotype is not worth it. Since such an attitude now becomes not a consequence of a stereotype, but a coordinated decision of all family members, without overestimated expectations and requirements. Secondly, the opportunity and openness to the help of an outsider expert are now available to almost everyone. In a global sense, much attention is directly paid to the problems of discrimination, equality, and justice, which creates many channels through which a person can openly address his problem. Consequently, trusting an outside expert can be fruitful in eliminating the symptoms of an unwanted social role and identifying the root of the problem. Openness is essential for the ideal husband, and the most challenging part is admitting that he cannot be suitable for everyone.

Gender Studies: Gender Stereotypes
Sociological Principles in the ‘Crash’ Movie
Stereotypical Health Care Beliefs & Practices Description
Critical Evaluation of “Shame About the Internet”
Specificity of Work in the Field of Human Services
Differences and Similarities Among Human Service Professionals
African-American's Social Life
Self-Monitoring and Regular Check-Ups in Dream Retirement
Chicago (A-D)
Chicago (N-B)

IvyPanda. (2022, December 21). Perfect Husband: Stereotypical Consequences. https://ivypanda.com/essays/perfect-husband-stereotypical-consequences/

"Perfect Husband: Stereotypical Consequences." IvyPanda , 21 Dec. 2022, ivypanda.com/essays/perfect-husband-stereotypical-consequences/.

IvyPanda . (2022) 'Perfect Husband: Stereotypical Consequences'. 21 December.

IvyPanda . 2022. "Perfect Husband: Stereotypical Consequences." December 21, 2022. https://ivypanda.com/essays/perfect-husband-stereotypical-consequences/.

1. IvyPanda . "Perfect Husband: Stereotypical Consequences." December 21, 2022. https://ivypanda.com/essays/perfect-husband-stereotypical-consequences/.

Bibliography

IvyPanda . "Perfect Husband: Stereotypical Consequences." December 21, 2022. https://ivypanda.com/essays/perfect-husband-stereotypical-consequences/.

Home — Essay Samples — Life — Marriage — My Ideal Husband Analysis

My Ideal Husband Analysis

Categories: Family Planning Marriage

About this sample

Words: 459 |

Published: Mar 20, 2024

Words: 459 | Page: 1 | 3 min read

Understanding and respect, communication, commitment and support.

Cite this Essay

Let us write you an essay from scratch

450+ experts on 30 subjects ready to help
Custom essay delivered in as few as 3 hours

Get high-quality help

Verified writer

Expert in: Life

+ 120 experts online

By clicking “Check Writers’ Offers”, you agree to our terms of service and privacy policy . We’ll occasionally send you promo and account related email

No need to pay just yet!

Related Essays

2 pages / 788 words

7 pages / 3092 words

2 pages / 751 words

3 pages / 1413 words

Remember! This is just a sample.

You can get your custom paper by one of our expert writers.

121 writers online

Still can’t find what you need?

Browse our vast selection of original essay samples, each expertly formatted and styled

Related Essays on Marriage

The practice of cohabitation, or living together before marriage, has sparked a lively and ongoing debate in today's society. The dynamics of relationships are constantly evolving, and cohabitation challenges traditional notions [...]

The concept of marriage is a cornerstone of society, and two prominent forms of marriage—love marriage and arranged marriage—have captivated the human experience for generations. This essay delves into the distinctive [...]

In the realm of philosophy, several theories attempt to uncover the essence and dynamics of human relationships. Among these theories, process philosophy offers a unique perspective on marriage and family, emphasizing the [...]

Marriage is a profound and transformative journey that many individuals embark upon in their lives. It is a commitment to share one's life with another person, to build a future together, and to weather the storms of life as a [...]

Temptation is defined as a strong urge or desire to have or do something. Most people experience temptations in their lives whether big or small. Temptation is simply a flaw that we as humans are going to experience because we [...]

In "Why Marriages Fail," Anne Roiphe offers valuable insights into the intricate dynamics that contribute to the failure of marriages. By examining the role of communication, unmet expectations, and external stressors, Roiphe [...]

Get Your Personalized Essay in 3 Hours or Less!

We use cookies to personalyze your web-site experience. By continuing we’ll assume you board with our cookie policy .

Instructions Followed To The Letter
Deadlines Met At Every Stage
Unique And Plagiarism Free

Parenting & Family Parenting Family Pregnancy
Courses Marriage Save My Marriage Pre Marriage
Quizzes Relationship Quizzes Love Quizzes Couples Quiz
Find a Therapist

25 Awe-Inspiring Qualities of a Good Husband

Mert's childhood dream was to become a psychologist, and his aim in life is to help people by understanding and accepting them without judgment. Knowing the basics and causes... Read More

Sylvia Smith shares insights on love revitalization and conscious living. She believes purposeful actions can transform relationships into happier, healthier ones.

Cheerful Active Romantic African American Couple Wearing Pajamas Dancing In Bedroom Together

In This Article

Are you looking for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Some might say that when you find the right person, you’ll know. It’s like a lightbulb going off in your head! But sometimes, what your head and heart want in the perfect partner are completely different things.

Having standards is essential for meeting the love of your life. That’s why we’ll be discussing the top qualities of a good husband.

Do you keep ending up with men who can’t commit?
Guys who treat you poorly?
Someone who makes you feel bad about yourself?

The trick to avoiding these toxic relationships is to find the perfect relationship to stop settling and start looking for a man who is husband material. You want someone you can see yourself with for the rest of your life.

But what makes up good qualities in a man? Keep reading to find out the essential qualities of a good husband.

What makes a good husband?

When you make a list of what makes a good husband, you’ll find that you want him to have the same qualities as your best friend:

Unwavering love
Shared interests
The ability to have fun together

These are all great foundations for a satisfying relationship, but there are extra qualities of a good husband to look for if you’re trying to find the man of your dreams.

Do you want to know the best traits to look for in a husband? Keep reading to find out the 20 most important qualities of a good husband who will make you happy.

25 qualities of a good husband

The following are listed as a few essential qualities of a good husband. Knowing these qualities can help you decipher if you have found the man of your dreams.

Of course, your man can be a lot more than the qualities listed here. Nonetheless, these are some of the commonly observed characteristics of a good man. So, read along to know what makes a good husband.

1. Great communication

Communication is the foundation of any great relationship.

A partner who communicates knows how to express their feelings, desires, and needs without getting angry or upset.

Communication also helps decrease your stress levels, increase your emotional intimacy , deepen your relationship, and make you feel heard and understood by your partner.

Great communication is one of the best qualities of a man.

2. He views you as his partner

When you get married, you become so much more than romantic partners – you are partners for life.

The qualities of a good husband are clear when you see that he views you as his partner and his equal. He wants you to take part in decision-making, values your input on his goals, and shares his life with you.

3. A desire to be with you

One sign that your boyfriend is marriage materia l is if he’s already made it clear that he wants you and only you.

Quality men don’t play games with your heart. Your boyfriend will show you he’s ready for real love if you are the only woman he’s entertaining romantically.

4. He is trustworthy

Trust is one of the top good qualities in a man and is always included in the list of qualities in a husband.

Research shows that a trustworthy partner will make you feel more fulfilled in your relationship.

Trusting your man means you know you can share anything with him without being judged. Trust also helps you increase vulnerability and love.

A relationship where you feel safe, calm, and able to be vulnerable with your spouse will grow into a strong marriage.

There are many ways men instill a sense of confidence in women. First is transparency; if a man does not hide his past but openly includes you in every moment of his life, there is transparency in his attitude.

Psychologist Mert Şeker says that if a man can fulfill his responsibilities financially and morally, he can be considered a good husband candidate.

5. Talking about the future

One of the top qualities of a man that will show you he’s husband material is if he talks about your future together. This will show that he’s thinking long-term and is just as excited about commitment as you are.

If your boyfriend talks about starting a family, moving in together, and getting married, you know that he already possesses the traits to look for in a husband.

6. He makes you laugh

A man who knows how to make you laugh is what a husband should be. Humor is one of the most sought-after husband material qualities.

There are many benefits to having humor in your relationship.

Making each other laugh can de-escalate potential arguments, lower stress, and contribute to feelings of support and satisfaction in relationships.

Couples who know how to laugh together are more likely to stay happy and in love.

Research found that sharing humor yields a higher probability of relationship success and allows couples to exchange positive emotions together.

7. You share core values

Opposites attract, but that doesn’t mean your relationship is destined to be healthy.

One of the greatest qualities of a good husband is shared values. Look for someone who is passionate about the same things you are, especially when it comes to your moral compass.

Research shows that couples who share faith are more likely to view their relationship as special.

Similarly, couples who workout together are more likely to stay motivated.

Research highlight = Research regarding working out alone VS working out with your partner revealed that only 76% of single participants completed the program compared to 95% of couples.

What’s more, all 95% of couples maintained their weight loss compared to 66% of single participants.

8. He makes your relationship a priority

Have you ever been with a man who would rather spend a Friday night drinking with his buddies than spend some romantic time with you? No doubt this made you feel unappreciated.

A real man is someone who makes your relationship a priority, no matter what.

When there is a problem, a good husband will address it immediately instead of putting the conversation off.

When your man has free time, he chooses to spend it with you. When there are decisions to be made, he consults you respectfully.

All these are indeed qualities of a good husband!

9. Knowing how to resolve conflict

If you’re a man reading this article looking for tips on how to be a better husband to your wife, you can start by learning healthy conflict-resolution skills.

Healthy conflict resolution means that instead of attacking each other during an argument, you attack the problem as a team.

Listening is just as important as communication when it comes to problem-solving, so know when to speak and when to hear your partner out.

Do not use an argument as an excuse to get mean or throw a past misdeed in your spouse’s face. Instead, Practice getting in touch with your feelings and talk about what is bothering you.

10. He teaches you new things

Personal growth is high on the list of qualities of a good husband.

A husband who can teach you new things will contribute to your happiness.

SAGE Journal randomly assigned married couples to engage in different activities together for 1.5 hours a week over ten weeks.

The actions assigned were put into two categories- Exciting or Pleasant.

Results of the research found that couples who participated in the exciting activities showed higher levels of marital satisfaction than those in ‘pleasant’ activities.

11. A good husband respects his wife

One of the most important qualities to look for in a man is respect.

When a man respects you, it means that he will support your goals and dreams.

Respect means that a man will never cross boundaries or try to make you do something that you feel uncomfortable with.

A loving, respectful partner won’t call you names or say things to hurt your feelings purposely. He will be considerate of your feelings not only when speaking to you but also when making decisions.

Psychologist Mert Şeker stresses the importance of emotional intelligence at this point. Emotional intelligence is the ability to know what emotions mean and use, manage, and control these motivations to make the right decisions in people’s lives.

A man who uses his emotions effectively and sensibly can be a really good husband.

12. He is loyal

Loyalty is essential to a happy relationship . It is one of the most non-negotiable things to look for in a husband.

When loyalty is lacking, you will feel uneasy when you aren’t around your partner. You will constantly wonder what they’re up to and who they’re hanging out with.

On the other hand, loyalty is at the top of the list of qualities of a good husband.

A loyal partner will make you feel safe and secure as well as emotionally and physically taken care of.

13. Emotional maturity

One of the sweetest qualities of a good husband is finding someone who knows how to be silly and make you laugh while still possessing emotional maturity.

What is emotional maturity? It’s a man who:

Can manage his emotions no matter what is happening.
Knows how to keep his cool even when in a tough situation.
Acknowledges when he is wrong and apologizes
Takes steps toward understanding you better when you are upset

14. He knows how to forgive

This is not just one of the qualities of a good husband. This is a virtue to be nurtured by every human being.

Even the happiest couples aren’t going to get along every minute of every day. When frustrations get the best of you, the duties of a good husband will move him to forgive you.

Not only will this make your relationship run smoothly, but the Journal of Health Psychology found that higher levels of forgiveness contribute toward better mental health in relationships.

15. He shows compassion

Compassion moves your partner to understand you. He is able to put himself in your shoes and understand how you feel.

One of the best qualities of a good husband is a compassionate man who will empathize with your feelings and make you feel loved.

“It is also important for a man to be understanding, to observe you in a relationship, and to realize if you are going through a challenging situation so that you can see that he is compassionate.” Psychologist Mert Şeker

16. He maintains self-control

Envision a diabetic who has no self-control over the harmful foods they are eating. This would be a disaster for their health.

Similarly, imagine if your partner was self-serving in every possible way. Talk about a night marriage!

Self-control is essential for a healthy relationship with your spouse.

When your husband practices regular self-control, it means that he will:

Consider you before making decisions
Be a more giving lover
Avoid harmful pornography habits
Avoid flirting or being inappropriate with other women
Remain loyal

17. You are his best friend

One of the sweetest qualities of a good husband is when he calls you his best friend .

When you are with your best friend, you feel a sense of belonging. A best friend will have fun with you, share secrets, support you, and encourage self-love.

Not only does being best friends with your partner carry great emotional benefits but there are also health benefits too.

Research published by The Journal of Happiness found that couples who were best friends experienced higher levels of life satisfaction than other couples.

18. He has patience

Patience is a key quality to being a good husband.

The longer you’re together, the more likely you are to do something that might drive your partner bonkers.

A husband who has patience will give his wife grace and let go of the little things , choosing to be happy rather than choosing to nitpick.

Patience will carry couples through difficult times or lulls in the excitement of a marriage.

19. Your friends love him

Have you ever had a friend tell you he or she got a bad vibe from your crush?

Sometimes your friends can see your relationship clearer than you can. They aren’t blinded by love-producing oxytocin like you are.

A good man will be himself when he’s around your friend. He won’t put on a show for them.

If your spouse gets along well with your closest friends and families and your loved ones are giving you two thumbs up, odds are you have found the one.

20. He shows appreciation

Appreciation and gratitude may not seem like essential qualities of a good husband, but going years without someone acknowledging your love and support can be draining. You may feel like you’re living a thankless life.

As a wife, you pick up after your house and husband while potentially caring for children or working a full-time job. This can be exhausting.

The Journal of Psychological Assessment states that partners who express gratitude for each other are more likely to experience:

Greater relationship satisfaction
Pursuit of self-expansion,
Enhanced partner intimacy,
Greater support felt from your spouse

These are all excellent reasons to look for husband qualities revolving around expressions of appreciation and gratitude.

Here’s how gratitude makes you more attractive. Watch this video:

21. He’s a caring father to your children

A good husband who’s also a caring father takes an active role in parenting. He isn’t just present physically but emotionally too. He helps with bedtime stories, attends school events, and plays a part in your children’s lives.

He listens to their concerns, guides them, and creates a loving and nurturing environment at home. He shows that he cares about their well-being and growth.

22. He is adaptable

Being adaptable means he’s open to change and growth. Life is full of surprises and challenges, and an adaptable husband is willing to adjust. Whether it’s changes in your relationship, career, or personal goals, he’s supportive and flexible.

He understands that life isn’t always predictable and is willing to roll with the punches, making it easier to face whatever comes your way together.

23. He is a problem solver

A good husband doesn’t just point out problems; he actively works on solutions. When conflicts or challenges arise, he’s willing to sit down and discuss them.

He’s a partner in finding resolutions that work for both of you. He’s patient and persistent in figuring things out, creating a sense of security and trust in the relationship.

24. He is generous

Generosity in a husband goes beyond material things; it’s about giving of oneself. He’s generous with his time, affection, and support. He doesn’t keep score but gives because he cares.

Whether it’s helping with household chores, providing emotional support, or simply showing love, his generosity makes the relationship feel warm and abundant. It’s an expression of love and care that makes you feel valued and cherished.

25. He is forgiving

Forgiveness is a vital quality in a good husband. It means he doesn’t hold grudges or let past mistakes or conflicts define your relationship.

When you make a mistake or face a challenging time, he’s willing to let go of resentment and anger. He understands that we all have moments of imperfection and that forgiveness is a way to move forward.

Commonly asked questions

A strong and loving marriage is a journey filled with questions and challenges. Here are answers to some common questions about recognizing potential issues, building a healthy relationship, and addressing difficulties in your marriage.

What are the red flags in a husband?

Red flags in a husband may include dishonesty, lack of support, emotional distance, disrespect, or harmful behaviors. Recognizing these signs is important for addressing issues and working towards a healthier relationship.

What are the signs of a good husband?

A good husband exhibits qualities such as love, respect, support, communication, honesty, and a willingness to work on the relationship. These signs create a loving and nurturing partnership.

How to be a good husband?

Being a good husband involves showing love, respect, and active communication. It also means being supportive, trustworthy, and a caring partner. Prioritizing your relationship and personal growth are key elements.

How to improve your relationship with your husband?

Improving your relationship involves open communication, quality time together, mutual respect, and active listening. Additionally, expressing appreciation, understanding each other’s needs, and working on shared goals can strengthen your bond.

What to do if you have a bad husband?

If you believe you have a bad husband, it’s important to address the issues. This may involve open communication, couples counseling, or seeking professional guidance. Ultimately, the goal is to create a healthy and nurturing relationship.

Spot a keeper in the crowd

What qualities make a good husband, and do the traits of a perfect man exist?

Not exactly, but the qualities of a good husband do. The traits of a good husband include loyalty, communication, respect, and of course – love!

Your spouse doesn’t have to have all of the good qualities in a man listed above to be a wonderful, loving partner to you. Growth is an important part of love.

So long as your spouse is committed to growth and communication, you will have a wonderful marriage ahead of you.

Share this article on

Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?

If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.

Take Course

Learn More On This Topic

100+ Valuable & Inspiring Don’t Chase Him Quotes

Relationship

By owen kessler.

35 Inspiring Parenting Quotes to Get You Through Difficult Times

By Marriage.com Editorial Team, Relationship & Marriage Advice

10 Inspiring Ways Women in Business Can Preserve Their Marriage

Approved By Dionne Eleanor, Coach

51 Inspiring Soulmate Quotes for Her to Ignite Love

By Sylvia Smith

What to Look For in a Guy: 35 Good Qualities in a Man

Approved By Maggie Martinez, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

17 Possible Good Woman Qualities That May Enhance a Relationship

By Kaida Hollister

25 Qualities of a Good Wife and How to Possess These

Approved By Christiana Njoku, Licensed Professional Counselor

Emotional Intimacy

Approved by angela welch, marriage & family therapist.

35 Romantic Games for Couples to Fan the Flames of Love

Zodiac Signs

The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance

By Kelli H, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship

By Draven Porter

By Dylan Banks

13 Ways to Respond When He Doesn’t Know What He Wants

By Calantha Quinlan

The 10 Qualities Of A Good Husband: What To Look For In Your Partner

Are you wondering what to look for in a partner? Well, you’re in luck! In this article, we’ll explore the 10 qualities of a good husband .

Trustworthiness, communication skills, emotional intelligence, and respectful behavior are some of the traits we’ll delve into. We’ll also discuss the importance of a supportive nature, financial responsibility, and being affectionate and loving.

So, if you’re ready to find your ideal partner, keep reading to discover the qualities that will make for a harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

Table of Contents

Trustworthiness

You should be able to trust your partner completely. Trustworthiness is one of the most important qualities to look for in a good husband. You want to feel secure in knowing that your partner will always be honest and reliable. A trustworthy husband is someone who keeps their promises and follows through on their commitments. They never betray your trust or engage in dishonest behavior. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship, and without it, the relationship can crumble.

In addition to trustworthiness, loyalty is another crucial quality to consider. A loyal husband is someone who stands by your side no matter what. They are faithful and devoted to you and the relationship. They prioritize your well-being and happiness above all else. A loyal husband will always have your back, supporting you through thick and thin. They will never abandon you or turn their back on you when times get tough.

When your partner is trustworthy and loyal, you can have peace of mind knowing that they are committed to the relationship and will always have your best interests at heart. Trust and loyalty are the building blocks of a strong and lasting partnership.

Communication Skills

Effective communication is crucial for a healthy and successful marriage. In order to maintain a strong connection with your partner, it is important to actively listen and engage in nonverbal communication.

Active listening involves giving your full attention to your spouse when they are speaking, truly hearing their words, and responding in a thoughtful manner. By actively listening, you show your partner that their thoughts and feelings are valued and respected.

Nonverbal communication is another important aspect of effective communication in a marriage. It involves using body language, facial expressions, and gestures to convey your emotions and intentions. Paying attention to your partner’s nonverbal cues can help you understand their needs and feelings even when they may not explicitly express them.

By practicing active listening and being aware of nonverbal communication, you can create an atmosphere of understanding and empathy in your marriage. This will allow you and your partner to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts, and strengthen your bond.

Remember to maintain eye contact, nod or smile to show your engagement, and be open to expressing your own nonverbal cues as well. By prioritizing effective communication, you can build a strong foundation for a healthy and successful marriage.

Emotional Intelligence

When it comes to building strong relationships, empathy, communication, and understanding are key. You need to be able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, listen actively, and truly understand their perspective.

Importance of Empathy

If your partner is able to understand and share your feelings, it can create a strong emotional connection in your relationship. Empathy is the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

It involves putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, truly understanding their perspective, and validating their emotions. When you feel heard and understood, a deep sense of trust and intimacy can develop between you and your partner.

Empathy also plays a crucial role in resolving conflicts. By empathizing with your partner’s feelings and needs, you can find common ground and work towards a solution that satisfies both of you. It allows you to approach disagreements with compassion and open-mindedness, leading to constructive communication and a stronger bond.

Cultivating empathy in your relationship is essential for fostering understanding, connection, and mutual support.

Communication and Understanding

To improve communication and understanding in your relationship, try actively listening to your partner’s perspective without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Communication and understanding are key for a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

Effective conflict resolution is essential in maintaining a strong bond. When conflicts arise, it is important to approach them with an open mind and a willingness to understand your partner’s point of view. Avoid making assumptions or immediately jumping to conclusions.

Take the time to actively listen, allowing your partner to express themselves fully. Show empathy and validate their feelings, even if you may not agree with them. By practicing active listening and understanding, you can create a safe and supportive environment for open and honest communication, leading to a stronger and more harmonious relationship.

Respectful Behavior

Respecting your partner’s boundaries and treating them with kindness is essential in a healthy marriage. Healthy boundaries create a sense of safety and trust within your relationship. It is important to understand and respect your partner’s need for personal space, privacy, and individuality. By acknowledging and honoring their boundaries, you show that you value their autonomy and are committed to their emotional well-being.

Another crucial aspect of being a good husband is showing appreciation and gratitude towards your partner. Expressing gratitude for the little things they do can go a long way in strengthening your bond. Take the time to acknowledge their efforts, whether it’s cooking a delicious meal, completing household chores, or simply being there to support you. By expressing your appreciation, you make your partner feel valued and loved.

Remember to always treat your partner with kindness. Show empathy, understanding, and compassion in your interactions. Be mindful of your words and actions, and avoid belittling or disrespecting your partner. Instead, cultivate a culture of kindness and support within your marriage. Small gestures, such as offering a helping hand or showing affection, can make a big difference in maintaining a healthy and loving relationship.

Supportive Nature

Being there for your spouse during difficult times and providing emotional support is an important aspect of a healthy and fulfilling marriage. A supportive nature is one of the key qualities to look for in a good husband. Your spouse should be someone who understands your emotions and is willing to be there for you when you need them the most.

Emotional support is all about being a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, and a comforting presence. A supportive husband will validate your feelings, offer encouragement, and provide a safe space for you to express yourself. They will be empathetic and understanding, showing genuine care and concern for your well-being.

When faced with challenges or setbacks, a supportive husband will stand by your side, offering strength and reassurance. They will help you navigate through life’s ups and downs, offering guidance and support every step of the way. They will celebrate your successes and provide comfort during your failures.

A supportive nature is not just about being there during difficult times, but also during the everyday moments. Your spouse should be someone who actively listens to you, shows interest in your thoughts and feelings, and offers encouragement in your pursuits. They should be your biggest cheerleader, always believing in you and pushing you to be the best version of yourself.

Shared Values and Goals

When it comes to a successful long-term relationship, the importance of alignment cannot be overstated. Having shared values and goals with your partner sets a strong foundation for a lasting connection.

It is crucial to conduct a long-term compatibility check to ensure that you and your partner are on the same page, both now and in the future.

Importance of Alignment

Finding a partner who shares your values and goals is crucial for a strong and lasting relationship. When it comes to building a life with someone, it’s important to be on the same page and have a solid foundation.

However, even with shared values and goals, conflicts will arise. That’s where the importance of compromise and effective conflict resolution comes in. In any relationship, there will be disagreements and differing opinions, but it’s how you handle these situations that truly matters.

Compromise is key; it’s about finding a middle ground that satisfies both partners. Effective conflict resolution involves active listening, open communication, and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives.

Long-Term Compatibility Check

To determine if you and your partner are compatible for the long term, it’s important to assess your shared values and goals. Compatibility indicators can provide valuable insights into the potential longevity of your relationship.

Look for signs that you and your partner have similar beliefs and priorities. Do you both value honesty, trust, and communication? Are your goals and aspirations aligned? It’s crucial to discuss important topics such as family, career, and future plans to ensure you’re on the same page.

Additionally, observe how well you and your partner handle conflicts and disagreements. Are you able to work through challenges together in a respectful and constructive manner?

Financial Responsibility

A good husband should demonstrate financial responsibility by managing his money wisely. Financial stability is crucial in any relationship, and a responsible husband understands the importance of it. He has good money management skills, which means he knows how to budget, save, and invest wisely.

Having financial stability not only ensures a comfortable life for both partners but also creates a sense of security and peace of mind. A husband who manages his money wisely can provide for his family’s needs, handle unexpected expenses, and plan for the future.

Money management skills are essential in maintaining a healthy and harmonious relationship. A good husband knows how to prioritize expenses, avoid unnecessary debts, and make wise financial decisions. He understands that financial stability requires discipline and long-term planning.

A responsible husband also communicates openly and honestly about finances with his partner. He involves his spouse in financial discussions, seeks their input, and makes joint decisions. This transparent approach builds trust and fosters a sense of teamwork in managing finances.

Affectionate and Loving

When it comes to being affectionate and loving, one key aspect to consider is the importance of emotional connection. Building a strong emotional bond with your partner is crucial for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It allows you to understand each other on a deeper level and creates a sense of intimacy that goes beyond physical affection.

Additionally, expressing love through actions is another significant way to show your affection. Whether it’s through small gestures like surprise hugs or grand gestures like planning special dates, taking action to demonstrate your love can strengthen the bond between you and your partner.

Importance of Emotional Connection

You should prioritize cultivating an emotional connection with your partner as it is crucial for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Nurturing vulnerability and building emotional intimacy are essential components of this connection.

Creating a safe space where both of you can open up and share your thoughts, feelings, and fears is vital.

Encourage open and honest communication, actively listen to each other, and validate each other’s emotions.

Show empathy and understanding when your partner is vulnerable, and be supportive in times of need.

Building emotional intimacy requires time and effort, but it strengthens the bond between you and your partner.

It allows you to understand each other on a deeper level and creates a strong foundation of trust and love.

Expressing Love Through Actions

Expressing love through actions can involve small gestures like cooking a favorite meal or sending a thoughtful text message. Understanding your partner’s love language is key to effectively expressing your love.

For those whose love language is acts of service, these actions hold great meaning. It could be as simple as doing the dishes or running errands to lighten their load. When you take the time and effort to serve them, it shows your love and care in a tangible way.

Acts of service are about going the extra mile, showing your commitment and willingness to support and assist your partner. Whether it’s helping with household chores or surprising them with breakfast in bed, acts of service can speak volumes and strengthen your bond.

Reliability and Dependability

A good husband should always be reliable and dependable in all aspects of his life. In relationships, reliability is crucial for building trust and maintaining a strong bond. Your partner should be someone you can count on, someone who follows through on their promises and commitments. When they say they will be there for you, they actually show up, both physically and emotionally. They understand the importance of being present and providing support when you need it the most.

In marriage, dependability is key. Your husband should be someone you can rely on, someone who stands by your side through thick and thin. He should be your rock, offering stability and security in the relationship. When life gets tough, he doesn’t shy away from challenges or responsibilities. Instead, he faces them head-on and works together with you to find solutions. You can trust that he will always be there for you, no matter what.

Being reliable and dependable in a relationship and marriage sets the foundation for a strong and lasting partnership. It creates a sense of security and comfort, knowing that you can always rely on your husband to be there for you. These qualities are essential for building a solid and fulfilling relationship with your spouse.

Mutual Respect and Equality

In a healthy and fulfilling marriage, it’s important to establish mutual respect and equality between both partners. Equality in marriage means that both you and your partner have equal rights, responsibilities, and opportunities. It means that neither of you should dominate or control the other, but rather, you should work together as equals in making decisions and resolving conflicts.

Gender roles in relationships can often create inequalities and lead to power imbalances. Traditional gender roles dictate that men should be the breadwinners and decision-makers, while women should be submissive and take care of the household and children. However, in a modern and progressive relationship, these gender roles should be challenged.

To establish mutual respect and equality in your marriage, it is important to communicate openly and honestly with each other. Listen to each other’s opinions and ideas without judgment and value each other’s contributions. Share household chores and responsibilities equally, recognizing that both of you have careers and personal aspirations. Support each other’s goals and dreams, and encourage each other to grow and develop as individuals.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can i find a partner who possesses all of these qualities.

You can find a partner who possesses all of these qualities by focusing on relationship compatibility. Watch for red flags that indicate a lack of these qualities. Trust your instincts and don’t settle for less.

Can a Person Improve Their Communication Skills and Emotional Intelligence Over Time?

Can you improve your communication skills and emotional intelligence over time? Yes, by actively working on developing effective communication techniques and practicing self-awareness, you can enhance your ability to connect and understand others on a deeper level.

What Are Some Effective Ways to Build Trust in a Relationship?

To rebuild trust after a betrayal, start by having open and honest communication in your relationship. Be accountable for your actions, show empathy, and give each other time and space to heal.

How Important Is Financial Responsibility in a Marriage?

Financial responsibility is crucial in a marriage. Balancing financial responsibilities as a couple is important for stability and trust. It helps create a solid foundation for your future together and fosters a sense of security and teamwork.

How Can Couples Maintain Mutual Respect and Equality in Their Relationship?

Maintaining a healthy and equal relationship requires setting and respecting boundaries. Effective conflict resolution is key. Listen actively, communicate openly, and find compromises. Treat each other with respect and fairness to ensure a strong and balanced partnership.

Conclusion: Qualities Of A Good Husband

So there you have it, a list of the 10 qualities to look for in your partner to be a good husband. Remember, trustworthiness, communication skills, and emotional intelligence are important traits. Respectful behavior, a supportive nature, and financial responsibility are also key. Being affectionate and loving, as well as reliable and dependable, are qualities to seek. Lastly, mutual respect and equality are crucial for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Finding someone who possesses these qualities will greatly contribute to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Good luck in your search for the perfect husband!

Things you buy through our links may earn Vox Media a commission

The Lure of Divorce

Seven years into my marriage, i hit a breaking point — and had to decide whether life would be better without my husband in it..

This article was featured in One Great Story , New York ’s reading recommendation newsletter. Sign up here to get it nightly.

In the summer of 2022, I lost my mind. At first, it seemed I was simply overwhelmed because life had become very difficult, and I needed to — had every right to — blow off some steam. Our family was losing its apartment and had to find another one, fast, in a rental market gone so wild that people were offering over the asking price on rent. My husband, Keith, was preparing to publish a book, Raising Raffi, about our son, a book he’d written with my support and permission but that, as publication loomed, I began to have mixed feelings about. To cope with the stress, I asked my psychiatrist to increase the dosage of the antidepressant I’d been on for years. Sometime around then, I started talking too fast and drinking a lot.

I felt invincibly alive, powerful, and self-assured, troubled only by impatience with how slowly everyone around me was moving and thinking. Drinking felt necessary because it slightly calmed my racing brain. Some days, I’d have drinks with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, which I ate at restaurants so the drink order didn’t seem too unusual. Who doesn’t have an Aperol spritz on the way home from the gym in the morning? The restaurant meals cost money, as did the gym, as did all the other random things I bought, spending money we didn’t really have on ill-fitting lingerie from Instagram and workout clothes and lots of planters from Etsy. I grew distant and impatient with Keith as the book’s publication approached, even as I planned a giant party to celebrate its launch. At the party, everyone got COVID. I handed out cigarettes from a giant salad bowl — I had gone from smoking once or twice a day to chain-smoking whenever I could get away with it. When well-meaning friends tried to point out what was going on, I screamed at them and pointed out everything that was wrong in their lives. And most crucially, I became convinced that my marriage was over and had been over for years.

Spring Fashion Issue

We want moore.

I built a case against my husband in my mind. This book of his was simply the culmination of a pattern: He had always put his career before mine; while I had tended to our children during the pandemic, he had written a book about parenting. I tried to balance writing my own novel with drop-offs, pickups, sick days, and planning meals and shopping and cooking, most of which had always been my primary responsibility since I was a freelancer and Keith had a full-time job teaching journalism. We were incompatible in every way, except that we could talk to each other as we could to no one else, but that seemed beside the point. More relevant: I spent money like it was water, never budgeting, leaving Keith to make sure we made rent every month. Every few months, we’d have a fight about this and I’d vow to change; some system would be put in place, but it never stuck. We were headed for disaster, and finally it came.

Our last fight happened after a long day spent at a wedding upstate. I’d been drinking, first spiked lemonade at lunch alone and then boxed wine during the wedding reception, where I couldn’t eat any of the food — it all contained wheat, and I have celiac disease. When we got back, late, to the house where we were staying, I ordered takeout and demanded he go pick it up for me. Calling from the restaurant, he was incensed. Did I know how much my takeout order had cost? I hadn’t paid attention as I checked boxes in the app, nor had I realized that our bank account was perilously low — I never looked at receipts or opened statements. Not knowing this, I felt like he was actually denying me food, basic sustenance. It was the last straw. I packed a bag as the kids played happily with their cousins downstairs, then waited by the side of the road for a friend who lived nearby to come pick me up, even as Keith stood there begging me to stay. But his words washed over me; I was made of stone. I said it was over — really over. This was it, the definitive moment I’d been waiting for. I had a concrete reason to leave.

A few days later, still upstate at my friend’s house, I had a Zoom call with my therapist and my psychiatrist, who both urged me in no uncertain terms to check myself into a psychiatric hospital. Even I couldn’t ignore a message that clear. My friend drove me to the city, stopping for burgers along the way — I should have relished the burger more, as it was some of the last noninstitutional food I would eat for a long time — and helped me check into NYU Langone. My bags were searched, and anything that could be used as a weapon was removed, including my mascara. I spent my first night there in a gown in a cold holding room with no phone, nothing but my thoughts. Eventually, a bed upstairs became free and I was brought to the psych ward, where I was introduced to a roommate, had blood drawn, and was given the first of many pills that would help me stop feeling so irrepressibly energetic and angry. They started me on lithium right away. In a meeting with a team of psychiatrists, they broke the news: I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder; they weren’t sure which kind yet. They gave me a nicotine patch every few hours plus Klonopin and Seroquel and lithium.

I wasn’t being held involuntarily, which meant I could write letters on an official form explaining why I ought to be released, which the psychiatrists then had three days to consider. I attached extra notebook pages to the letters explaining that I was divorcing my husband and was terrified I would never be able to see my kids again if I was declared unfit because I was insane. These letters did not result in my release; if anything, they prolonged my stay. I got my phone back — it would soon be revoked again, wisely — but in that brief interim, I sent out a newsletter to my hundreds of subscribers declaring that I was getting a divorce and asking them to Venmo me money for the custody battle I foresaw. In this newsletter, I also referenced Shakespeare. The drugs clearly had not kicked in yet. I cycled through three different roommates, all of whom were lovely, though I preferred the depressed one to the borderline ones. We amused ourselves during the day by going to art therapy, music therapy, and meetings with our psychiatrists. I made a lot of beaded bracelets.

In the meetings with the shrinks, I steadfastly maintained that I was sane and that my main problem was the ending of my marriage. I put Keith, and my mother, on a list of people who weren’t allowed to visit me. Undaunted, Keith brought me gluten-free egg sandwiches in the morning, which I grudgingly ate — anything for a break from the hospital food. My parents came up from D.C. and helped Keith take care of our children. I was in the hospital for a little more than three weeks, almost the entire month of October, longer than I’d ever been away from my kids before in their lives. I celebrated my 41st birthday in the hospital and received a lot of very creative cards that my fellow crazies had decorated during art therapy. Eventually, the drugs began to work: I could tell they were working because instead of feeling energetic, I suddenly couldn’t stop crying. The tears came involuntarily, like vomit. I cried continuously for hours and had to be given gabapentin in order to sleep.

On the day I was released, I didn’t let anyone pick me up. I expected the superhuman strength I’d felt for months to carry me, but it was gone, lithiumed away. Instead, I felt almost paralyzed as I carried my bags to a cab. When I arrived at my apartment, I couldn’t figure out where I should sleep. It didn’t feel like my home anymore. We couldn’t afford to live separately, even temporarily, but the one thing that our somewhat decrepit, inconveniently located new apartment had in its favor was two small attic bedrooms and one larger bedroom downstairs. I claimed this downstairs room for myself and began to live there alone, coming into contact with Keith only when we had to be together with our children.

You might assume that my fixation on divorce would have subsided now that my mental health had stabilized and I was on strong antipsychotic medication. But I still did not want to stay in my marriage. If anything, I felt a newfound clarity: Keith and I had fundamentally incompatible selves. Our marriage had been built on a flaw. My husband was older, more established and successful in his career. These were the facts, so it had to be my job to do more of the work at home. Unless, of course, I decided to take myself and my work as seriously as he took his. But that was unappealing; I had managed to publish three books before turning 40, but I didn’t want to work all the time, like he does.

I wondered if my marriage would always feel like a competition and if the only way to call the competition a draw would be to end it.

We picked the kids up from school and dropped them off, or really mostly Keith did. I appeared at meals and tried to act normal. I was at a loss for what to do much of the time. I attended AA meetings and the DBT meetings required by the hospital outpatient program, and I read. I read books about insanity: Darkness Visible, The Bell Jar, An Unquiet Mind, Postcards From the Edge. I tried to understand what was happening to me, but nothing seemed to resonate until I began to read books about divorce. I felt I was preparing myself for what was coming. The first book I read was Rachel Cusk’s Aftermath, which has become the go-to literary divorce bible since its 2012 publication. In it, Cusk describes the way her life shattered and recomposed after the dissolution of her marriage, when her daughters were still very young. She makes the case for the untenability of her relationship by explaining that men and women are fundamentally unequal. She posits that men and women who marry and have children are perpetually fighting separate battles, lost to each other: “The baby can seem like something her husband has given her as a substitute for himself, a kind of transitional object, like a doll, for her to hold so that he can return to the world. And he does, he leaves her, returning to work, setting sail for Troy. He is free, for in the baby the romance of man and woman has been concluded: each can now do without the other.”

At our relationship’s lowest moments, this metaphor had barely been a metaphor. I remembered, the previous winter, Keith going off on a reporting trip to Ukraine at the very beginning of the war, leaving me and the kids with very little assurance of his safety. I had felt okay for the first couple of days until I heard on the news of bombing very close to where he was staying. After that, I went and bummed a cigarette from a neighbor, leaving the kids sleeping in their beds in order to do so. It was my first cigarette in 15 years. Though that had been the winter before my mania began, I believe the first seeds of it were sown then: leaving the children, smoking the cigarette, resenting Keith for putting himself in harm’s way and going out into the greater world while I tended to lunches, homework, and laundry as though everything were normal.

In Nora Ephron’s Heartburn, as in Aftermath, I found an airtight case for divorce. The husband was the villain and the wife the wronged party, and the inevitable result was splitting up. I felt an echo of this later on when I read Lyz Lenz’s polemic This American Ex-Wife, out this month, marketed as “a deeply validating manifesto on the gender politics of marriage (bad) and divorce (actually pretty good!).” The book begins by detailing how Lenz’s husband rarely did household chores and hid belongings of hers that he didn’t like — e.g., a mug that said WRITE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER — in a box in the basement. “I didn’t want to waste my one wild and precious life telling a grown man where to find the ketchup,” Lenz writes. “What was compelling about my marriage wasn’t its evils or its villains, but its commonplace horror.”

This was not quite the way I felt. Even though I could not stand to see my husband’s face or hear his voice, even though I still felt the same simmering resentment I had since I entered the hospital, I also found myself feeling pangs of sympathy for him. After all, he was going through this too. When we were inevitably together, at mealtimes that were silent unless the children spoke, I could see how wounded he was, how he was barely keeping it together. His clothes hung off his gaunt frame. And at night, when we passed in the kitchen making cups of tea that we would take to our respective rooms, he sometimes asked me for a hug, just a hug. One time I gave in and felt his ribs through his T-shirt. He must have lost at least 15 pounds.

It began to seem like I only ever talked to friends who had been through divorces or were contemplating them. One friend who didn’t know whether to split up with her husband thought opening their marriage might be the answer. Another friend described the ease of sharing custody of his young daughter, then admitted that he and his ex-wife still had sex most weekends. In my chronically undecided state, I admired both of these friends who had found, or might have found, a way to split the difference. Maybe it was possible to break up and remain friends with an ex, something that had never happened to me before in my entire life. Maybe it was possible to be married and not married at the same time. Then I went a little further in my imagination, and the idea of someone else having sex with my husband made me want to gag with jealousy. Maybe that meant something. I was so confused, and the confusion seemed to have no end.

I read more books about divorce. I received an early copy of Sarah Manguso’s Liars, marketed as “a searing novel about being a wife, a mother, and an artist, and how marriage makes liars out of us all.” In it, John, a creative dilettante, and Jane, a writer, meet and soon decide to marry. Liars describes their marriage from beginning to end, a span of almost 15 years, and is narrated by Jane. The beginning of their relationship is delirious: “I tried to explain that first ferocious hunger and couldn’t. It came from somewhere beyond reason.” But the opening of that book also contains a warning. “Then I married a man, as women do. My life became archetypal, a drag show of nuclear familyhood. I got enmeshed in a story that had already been told ten billion times.” I felt perversely reassured that I was merely adding another story to the 10 billion. It made it seem less like it was my fault.

The beginning of my relationship with my husband wasn’t that dramatic or definitive. I thought I was getting into something casual with someone I didn’t even know if I particularly liked, much less loved, but was still oddly fascinated by. I wanted to see the way he lived, to see if I could emulate it and become more like him. He lived with roommates in his 30s — well, that was the price you paid if you wanted to do nothing but write. I wanted what he had, his seriousness about his work. We went on dates where we both sat with our laptops in a café, writing, and this was somehow the most romantic thing I’d ever experienced. On our third date, we went to his father’s home on Cape Cod to dog-sit for a weekend, and it was awkward in the car until we realized we were both thinking about the same Mary Gaitskill story, “A Romantic Weekend,” in which a couple with dramatically mismatched needs learn the truth about each other through painful trial and error. Our weekend was awkward, too, but not nearly as awkward as the one in the story. On the way home, I remember admiring Keith’s driving, effortless yet masterful. I trusted him in the car completely. A whisper of a thought: He would make a good father.

In Liars, cracks begin to form almost immediately, even before John and Jane get engaged; she is accepted to a prestigious fellowship and he isn’t, and he is forthright about his fear that she will become more successful than he is: “A moment later he said he didn’t want to be the unsuccessful partner of the successful person. Then he apologized and said that he’d just wanted to be honest. I said, It was brave and considerate to tell me. ”

Through the next few years, so gradually that it’s almost imperceptible, John makes it impossible for Jane to succeed. He launches tech companies that require cross-country moves, forcing Jane to bounce between adjunct-teaching gigs. And then, of course, they have a baby. The problem with the baby is that Jane wants everything to be perfect for him and throws herself into creating a tidy home and an ideal child-development scenario, whereas John works more and more, moving the family again as one start-up fails and another flourishes. Jane begins to wonder whether she has created a prison for herself but pacifies herself with the thought that her situation is normal: “No married woman I knew was better off, so I determined to carry on. After all, I was a control freak, a neat freak, a crazy person.” The story John tells her about herself becomes her own story for a while. For a while, it’s impossible to know whose story is the truth.

I thought about Keith’s side of the story when I read Liars. Maybe it was the lack of alcohol’s blur that enabled me to see this clearly for the first time — I began to see how burdened he had been, had always been, with a partner who refused to plan for the future and who took on, without being asked, household chores that could just as easily have been distributed evenly. Our situation had never been as clear-cut as it was for Lyz Lenz; Keith had never refused to take out the trash or hidden my favorite mug. But he worked more and later hours, and my intermittent book advances and freelance income could not be counted on to pay our rent. As soon as we’d had a child, he had been shunted into the role of breadwinner without choosing it or claiming it. At first, I did all the cooking because I liked cooking and then, when I stopped liking cooking, I did it anyway out of habit. For our marriage to change, we would have needed to consciously decide to change it, insofar as our essential natures and our financial situation would allow. But when were we supposed to have found the time to do that? It was maddening that the root of our fracture was so commonplace and clichéd — and that even though the problem was ordinary, I still couldn’t think my way out of it.

Splinters: Another Kind of Love Story, by Leslie Jamison , is in some ways the successor to Aftermath — the latest divorce book by a literary superstar. It is mostly an account of Jamison’s passionate marriage to a fellow writer, C., and the way that marriage fell apart after her career accelerated and they had a child together. It then details her first months of life as a single mother and her forays into dating. In it, she is strenuously fair to C., taking much of the blame for the dissolution of their marriage. But she can’t avoid describing his anger that her book merits an extensive tour, while his novel — based on his relationship with his first wife, who had died of leukemia — fails commercially. “It didn’t get the reception he had hoped for,” Jamison writes, and now, “I could feel him struggling. He wanted to support me, but there was a thorn in every interview.” C. grows distant, refusing to publicly perform the charming self that Jamison fell in love with. “I wished there was a way to say, Your work matters, that didn’t involve muting my own,” Jamison writes.

For all my marriage’s faults, we never fought in public. Friends encouraged us to reconcile, saying, “You always seemed so good together.” (As if there were another way to seem! Standing next to each other at a party, it had always been easy to relax because we couldn’t fight.) And we never did anything but praise each other’s work. Until this last book of my husband’s, that is. I had read Raising Raffi for the first time six months before it was published, while I was out of town for the weekend. I had, at that time, enjoyed reading it — it was refreshing, in a way, to see someone else’s perspective on a part of my own life. I even felt a certain relief that my child’s early years, in all their specificity and cuteness, had been recorded. This work had been accomplished, and I hadn’t had to do it! There had been only a slight pang in the background of that feeling that I hadn’t been the one to do it. But as publication drew nearer, the pang turned into outright anger . The opening chapter described my giving birth to our first son, and I didn’t realize how violated I felt by that until it was vetted by The New Yorker ’s fact-checker after that section was selected as an excerpt for its website. Had a geyser of blood shot out of my vagina? I didn’t actually know. I had been busy at the time. I hung up on the fact-checker who called me, asking her to please call my husband instead. (In case you’re wondering, Keith has read this essay and suggested minimal changes.)

I related to the writers in Splinters trying to love each other despite the underlying thrum of competing ambitions. But most of all, Jamison’s book made me even more terrified about sharing custody. “There was only one time I got on my knees and begged. It happened in our living room, where I knelt beside the wooden coffee table and pleaded not to be away from her for two nights each week,” she writes. Envisioning a future in which we shared custody of our children made me cringe with horror. It seemed like absolute hell. At the time we separated, our younger son was only 4 years old and required stories and cuddles to get to bed. Missing a night of those stories seemed like a punishment neither of us deserved, and yet we would have to sacrifice time with our kids if we were going to escape each other, which seemed like the only possible solution to our problem. Thanksgiving rolled around, and I cooked a festive meal that we ate without looking at each other. Whenever I looked at Keith, I started to cry.

We decided to enter divorce mediation at the beginning of December. On Sixth Avenue, heading to the therapist’s office, we passed the hospital where I’d once been rushed for an emergency fetal EKG when I was pregnant with our first son. His heart had turned out to be fine. But as we passed that spot, I sensed correctly that we were both thinking of that moment, of a time when we had felt so connected in our panic and desperate hope, and now the invisible cord that had bound us had been, if not severed, shredded and torn. For a moment on the sidewalk there, we allowed ourselves to hold hands, remembering.

The therapist was a small older woman with short curly reddish hair. She seemed wise, like she’d seen it all and seen worse. I was the one who talked the most in that session, blaming Keith for making me go crazy, even though I knew this wasn’t technically true or possible: I had gone crazy from a combination of sky-high stress and a too-high SSRI prescription and a latent crazy that had been in me, part of me, since long before Keith married me, since I was born. Still, I blamed his job, his book, his ambition and workaholism, which always surpassed my own efforts. I cried throughout the session; I think we both did. I confessed that I was not the primary wronged person in these negotiations, and to be fair I have to talk about why. Sometime post–Last Fight and pre-hospitalization, I had managed to cheat on my husband. I had been so sure we were basically already divorced that I justified the act to myself; I couldn’t have done it any other way. I had thought I might panic at the last minute or even throw up or faint, but I had gone through with it thanks to the delusional state I was in. There aren’t many more details anyone needs to know. It was just one time, and it was like a drug I used to keep myself from feeling sad about what was really happening. Anyway, there’s a yoga retreat center I’ll never be able to go to again in my life.

At the end of the session, we decided to continue with the therapist but in couples therapy instead of divorce mediation. It was a service she also provided, and as a bonus, it was $100 cheaper per session. She didn’t say why she made this recommendation, but maybe it was our palpable shared grief that convinced her that our marriage was salvageable. Or maybe it was that, despite everything I had told her in that session, she could see that, even in my profound sadness and anger, I looked toward Keith to complete my sentences when I was searching for the right word and that he did the same thing with me. As broken as we were, we were still pieces of one once-whole thing.

My husband would have to forgive me for cheating and wasting our money. I would have to forgive him for treading on my literary territory: our family’s life, my own life. My husband would have to forgive me for having a mental breakdown, leaving him to take care of our family on his own for a month, costing us thousands of uninsured dollars in hospital bills. I would have to forgive him for taking for granted, for years, that I would be available on a sick day or to do an early pickup or to watch the baby while he wrote about our elder son. I would have to forgive him for taking for granted that there would always be dinner on the table without his having to think about how it got there. He would have to forgive me for never taking out the recycling and never learning how to drive so that I could move the car during alternate-side parking. I would have to forgive him for usurping the time and energy and brain space with which I might have written a better book than his. Could the therapist help us overcome what I knew to be true: that we’d gone into marriage already aware that we were destined for constant conflict just because of who we are? The therapist couldn’t help me ask him to do more if I didn’t feel like I deserved it, if I couldn’t bring myself to ask him myself. I had to learn how to ask.

No one asked anything or forgave anything that day in the couples therapist’s office. After what felt like months but was probably only a few days, I was watching Ramy on my laptop in my downstairs-bedroom cave after the kids’ bedtime when some moment struck me as something Keith would love. Acting purely on impulse, I left my room and found him sitting on the couch, drinking tea. I told him I’d been watching this show I thought was funny and that he would really like it. Soon, we were sitting side by side on the couch, watching Ramy together. We went back to our respective rooms afterward, but still, we’d made progress.

After a few more weeks and a season’s worth of shared episodes of Ramy, I ventured for the first time upstairs to Keith’s attic room. It smelled alien to me, and I recognized that this was the pure smell of Keith, not the shared smell of the bedrooms in every apartment we’d lived in together. I lay down next to him in the mess of his bed. He made room for me. We didn’t touch, not yet. But we slept, that night, together. The next night, we went back to sleeping alone.

Pickups and drop-offs became evenly divided among me and Keith and a sitter. Keith learned to make spaghetti with meat sauce. He could even improvise other dishes, with somewhat less success, but he was improving. I made a conscious effort not to tidy the house after the children left for school. I made myself focus on my work even when there was chaos around me. Slowly, I began to be able to make eye contact with Keith again. At couples therapy, we still clutched tissue boxes in our hands, but we used them less. Our separate chairs inched closer together in the room.

That Christmas, we rented a tiny Airbnb near his dad’s house in Falmouth. It had only two bedrooms, one with bunk beds for the kids and one with a king-size bed that took up almost the entirety of the small room. We would have to share a bed for the duration of the trip. The decision I made to reach across the giant bed toward Keith on one of the last nights of the trip felt, again, impulsive. But there were years of information and habit guiding my impulse. Sex felt, paradoxically, completely comfortable and completely new, like losing my virginity. It felt like sleeping with a different person and also like sleeping with the same person, which made sense, in a way. We had become different people while somehow staying the same people we’d always been.

Slowly, over the course of the next months, I moved most of my things upstairs to his room, now our room. We still see the therapist twice a month. We talk about how to make things more equal in our marriage, how not to revert to old patterns. I have, for instance, mostly given up on making dinner, doing it only when it makes more sense in the schedule of our shared day or when I actually want to cook. It turns out that pretty much anyone can throw some spaghetti sauce on some pasta; it also turns out that the kids won’t eat dinner no matter who cooks it, and now we get to experience that frustration equally. Keith’s work is still more stable and prestigious than mine, but we conspire to pretend that this isn’t the case, making sure to leave space for my potential and my leisure. We check in to make sure we’re not bowing to the overwhelming pressure to cede our whole lives to the physical and financial demands, not to mention the fervently expressed wants, of our children. It’s the work that we’d never found time to do before, and it is work. The difference is that we now understand what can happen when we don’t do it. I’m always surprised by how much I initially don’t want to go to therapy and then by how much lighter I feel afterward. For now, those sessions are a convenient container for our marriage’s intractable defects so that we get to spend the rest of our time together focusing on what’s not wrong with us.

The downstairs bedroom is now dormant, a place for occasional guests to stay or for our elder son to lie in bed as he plays video games. Some of my clothes from a year earlier still fill the drawers, but none of it seems like mine. I never go into that room if I can help it. It was the room of my exile from my marriage, from my family. If I could magically disappear it from our apartment, I would do it in a heartbeat. And in the attic bedroom, we are together, not as we were before but as we are now.

The Cut Shop

Editor’s Picks

What is your email?

This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us.

Sign In To Continue Reading

Create your free account.

Password must be at least 8 characters and contain:

Lower case letters (a-z)
Upper case letters (A-Z)
Numbers (0-9)
Special Characters (!@#$%^&*)

As part of your account, you’ll receive occasional updates and offers from New York , which you can opt out of anytime.

Home / Essay Samples / Life / Family / Husband

Husband Essay Examples

How wilde challenges the traditional ideals of marriage and relationships in an ideal husband.

In An Ideal Husband Oscar Wilde presents two men Lord Goring and Sir Robert as two men who are ready to do everything it takes to save their love and satisfy the demands of their lovers. However, their separate lives meet at different points in the play....

Analysis of Characters in an Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde

A perfect spouse is a person who deals with his family with no issues. With regards to marriage, he is the one, who is eager to deal with his better half and kids. It ought to be notable that spouses are the families providers and...

Women Experience in "The Husband Stitch" and "Yellow Wallpaper"

The stories The husband stitch by Carmen and Yellow wallpaper by Charlotte Gilman tell the experiences of women in a world dominated by men and cultural oppression. The husband stitch is a story with other stories in it that say about the world we live...

The Role of Husbands in the Formation of Janie’s Self-identity in Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God

Janie is often defined as a feminist character, the main character of Zora Neale Hurston's novel Their Eyes Were Watching God. Even though she is certainly an independent woman who believes in equality for women, Janie does not lead throughout the novel a typically feminist...

Differences in Food Consumption Between the Husband’s Home and Natal Home Among Newly Married Women

Global hunger has been increasing since 2014, with an estimated 821 people around the world currently experiencing chronic food deprivation. The rate of undernourishment is particularly high in South Asia, reaching 14. 8% in 2017 compared to 11% in the world. In Nepal, much of...

How Wilde Challenges the Traditional Ideals of Marriage and Relationships Between Men and Women in an Ideal Husband

Oscar Wilde presents two men Lord Goring and Sir Robert as two men who are ready to do everything it takes to save their love and satisfy the demands of their lovers. However, their separate lives meet at different points in the play. Chiltern and...

Trying to find an excellent essay sample but no results?

Don’t waste your time and get a professional writer to help!